I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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