I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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