have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
