He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Where are you guys?
Drunk
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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