We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
