Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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