Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
