He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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