there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize