Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
