we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am midnight drunk by noon
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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