ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
