We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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