Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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