I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
