Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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