I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
