hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
