I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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