everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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