the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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