I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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