Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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