I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
