I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
