you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
