How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
