Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
