I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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