My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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