just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
