Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
