did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
