i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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