all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
