Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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