i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
