does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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