Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
