Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
