Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The air was thick with penises
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i believe in u and ur pee
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
