I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So vagazzling was a success
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
