im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Randomize
