My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.