She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
