Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
