Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
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I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
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I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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