yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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