My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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