I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
