I could have mohawked her pubes.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
