Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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