There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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