I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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