My underwear smells like fireworks.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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